Just Do It!

In this morning's sermon, my pastor made an interesting point.  "Everything is NOT working for your good!".  From where he stood on the pulpit, I'm sure that the confused expression on my face was barely noticible amidst the sea of  faces in the congregation.  All of my life I've heard Christians (including myself) say that God is working everything out for our good.  After all, God is sovereign, isn't He?  He knows all and sees all, right? 
 My faith in God are based on the absolute truthfulness of the words found in the Holy Bible.  As I pondered my pastor's initial statement, I decided to listen to the rest of what he had to say.  "Yes" he said.  "Every good and perfect gift comes from above, but if every thing that happens to us in our lives is as God would have it, right from the start, would Jesus have instructed us to pray the Lord's prayer like He did?"  Would praying that the will of God be done in the earth as it is in Heaven be necessary if it were already so?   
I didn't know what to make of the sermon at that point...that is, until the Holy Spirit showed me some things.  God's will for us is always good, but we have a responsibility to speak and pray His will over our lives and to bind everything that presents itself as contrary to it!  God knows our end from our beginning, but we have alot to do with what happens and how things happen in between.  So I decided that I would "just do it"...just like the old Nike ad suggested!  "Do what?", some may ask.  "Just pray". "Just trust God's plan".  "Just continue to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit".  "Just continue to seek a more intimate relationship with God".  I believe that if I do all of those things, the "good" that God is working out for Christina will come to pass.  I'm willing to put in the prayer time to usher the will of God into her life knowing that the parts that I just can't do, He's already taken care of!

Look Toward The Hills

Over the years, several of my friends and associates have asked me how I've managed to stay focused and optomistic over the years, in the face of what sometimes seems like total disarray, disappointment, and despair.  My answer has always been the same.  It is God who sustains me and gives me strength for this journey.  When Christina was young, I often stumbled and fell into what felt like a sea of hopelessness and fear.  Gradually, the Holy Spirit taught me to listen to and follow His lead in everything!

Sometimes we think that God is absent.  We struggle to accept that a loving God like ours could be with us in the dry, desert places of our lives.  I think its because we'd like to think that God knows nothing about our seasons of struggle... you know, that He isn't "fixing it" because He doesn't know about it.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  God is always with us.  We don't have to make excuses for Him or offer explanations for why our lives are what they are.  God knows all and He is always working things out for our good.  Sure, it may take some time before we can see any good coming out of our situations, but God is faithful. 

Raising and caring for a loved one with autism, down syndrome, mental retardation or any other mental or physical challenge can be daunting.  No doubt about that.  But God, our Jehovah Jireh, will show up in our expectation of provision and deliverance!  Will you even recognize Him when He does?  How will you ever see Him if your eyes are downcast and filled with tears?  Look up...toward the hills for your help.  You will find God there.  He is an ever-present help in the time of trouble. 

Have you allowed fear to kill your faith or your ability to dream for your child?  You can change that right now!  Let God give you beauty for ashes.  Let God turn your mourning into dancing.  Stop looking for God in the heaviness of your situation.  Give Him your garment of heaviness and He will give you a garment of praise.  Let God be the lifter of your head.   

One Step At A Time

Move cautiously and carefully, consulting God every step of the way.  I cannot allow fear to dictate what I will and will not have faith for.  It is fear that causes me to wonder at times if Christina will be able to handle the physical and emotional changes that puberty is sure to bring.  It is fear that whispers unwelcome reminders of the challenges that she is now facing.  Intrusions of doubt and uncertainty sometimes block the flow of the rivers.  The rivers come from God.  They bring me peace, hope, direction, and light.  I must keep the waters flowing at all times if I am to survive.

I try daily not to run ahead of God.  To run ahead of Him means that I must find my own way.  No, I will continue to pray and ask God to direct every step that I take.  Only then can I move forward with confidence.  Confidence in a God who wishes above all things that His children prosper and be in health.  Confidence in a God whose Word must accomplish the thing that it was sent to accomplish because it cannot return to Him void. 

My head is lifted...ever seeking His face.  "Lift up your head o ye gates and be ye lifted up ye everlasting doors and the King of Glory shall come in!  Who is the King of Glory?  The Lord strong and mighty!

No Ways Tired

It's a familiar tune.  "I don't feel no ways tired.  I've come too far from where I started from...."  Yeah....that's how the song goes alright.  I don't know who actually wrote this song, nor do I know what their inspiration was for writing it.  I do, however, know what its like to be tired.  Tired of hoping, tired of believing.... just tired.
I'm feeling a little tired tonight.  Tired of people assuming that they understand Christina when they've never even asked her how she feels about things.  Tired of people scolding Christina for behaviors that they deem inappropriate when they've never even asked her why she engaged in them.  Her reasoning is always very childlike and innocent.  She often acts and speaks impulsively.  Too bad that this purity of thought and deed is discouraged by so many.  Our children and loved ones have valuable things to tell us and important lessons to teach us.  Their perception of the world and everything in it is often quite unique, but few people have taken the time to just sit and listen to them.
Although I am feeling tired right now, I will press on.  Christina is now ten years old and learing new lessons about independence every day.  These are important lessons that although sometimes painful,  she must learn.  I will continue to support and pray for her.  Mother, teacher, coach, interpreter and disciplinarian are just a few of the hats that I've grown accustomed to wearing.  God has given me the strength and the wisdom to be effective in each role and I am grateful.  I know that this same God will continue to give me what I need to see this journey through.
So give me a few minutes....I'll be back in the saddle shortly.  The reality is that I do get tired sometimes, but I refuse to allow myself to stay there.  There is too much at stake for me to allow bitterness or anger to creep in and choke out my faith.  Faith is what moves God, and I need Him to keep moving in our lives! 

Agree With God

Today I thought about how complicated life can seem at times.  If we choose to take them on, the cares of this life are plentiful.  Entertaining just a few "what if" questions is enough to overwhelm anybody!  The truth is, however, that worrying about our lives won't necessarily make them longer or better.  In fact, excessive worrying can contribute to a pretty unhealthy state of emotional, spiritual and physical being. 
So what is the alternative to worry??  Prayer, of course!  I John 5:14-15 says "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask- we know that we have what we asked of Him. (New International Version).  Wow!  How awesome to know that the Lord hears our petitions when we pray according to His Word and that we can be assured that we have what we've asked of Him!  But we have a choice to make.  Will we choose to believe that God has heard our Word-based petitions and receive what we have asked of Him by faith or will we choose not to believe that we've received anything at all from God until He can prove to us that He has been true to His word?  Hmmmmm.....ponder that one for a few minutes.  It's a tough question, but it really is one that we must all answer at some point.
The christian life is a faith-based life.  Our faith is what determines what our confession will be about our lives and the lives of our children.  What shall we say then?  What words will we use to label or describe ourselves, our children, our health, etc?  Well, if we are to agree with God's will for our lives, we should begin by saying what He says about us in His Word.  Are you up for the challenge?    Christina has had academic struggles and was diagnosed by one of her doctors as having ADHD, a short term memory deficit, perceptual reasoning difficulties, and reading challenges.   Sure, some of her difficulties have been evident in her schoolwork, but my confession about her has remained the same.  When I pray for my children each day there is one phrase that I have been confessing over them for about two years now.  Every day, I say that they "have the mind of Christ and that they're more like Jesus every day!"  I had a Bible teacher once who said that he confessed the same thing over his adult daughter during a time in her life when she was making unwise choices.  After a period of time, his daughter turned her life around!  I'm happy to report to you that Christina has not had an IEP since she was 6 years old and that this past semester she made the honor roll!  Hallelujah!   Tonight, she proudly informed her dad and I that she gotten a 90% on her reading test and that this was the highest grade she'd ever gotten in reading!  Yes, miracles are evident in Christina's life now but, in retrospect, I realize that even when they weren't, they were still occurring.  Step by step, the Lord has led us along this road we call life.  No, it's not always an easy road, but knowing that God is on the journey too and that He's "carrying all the bags" makes the road a lot easier to travel!
The situations and circumstances that we find ourselves in are what they are.  Remember that our God is greater than them all and that if you will agree with what He says (in His Word) about your circumstances, you will always win!  Sometimes the evidence of your victory will not be immediately obvious, but trust that you have won just because your God said so! 

" Then said the Lord unto me, Thou hast well seen: for I will hasten my word to perform it"  Jeremiah 1:12 
  

Believe It Or Not!

"The Faith Prisoners".  You have to admit, it could be a catchy title for a new mini-series or a new book.  But if you think about it...isn't each believer a "prisoner" of his/her own individual faith?  I use the word "prisoner" because I have found it difficult to abandon my faith, even though I've always been perfectly free to do so.   I mean, here I am...loving the Lord with my heart, raising a differently-abled child, and all while trying desperately to trust God and stay true to my faith in Him.  That's a really tall order!  I'm not saying that being a faith prisoner is a bad thing, but I find it interesting that, although intangible, my faith in God has had the power to move mountains and cause many miracles to occur in my life.  Pretty amazing stuff!
 Have you ever wanted to cash in your faith tokens and walk away though? I have. Many, many times, but I can't. My faith in God and in His Word is so strong!  When we want to give up, isn't it our faith that tells us that we can't?  When we want to believe and fear the worst, isn't it our faith reminds us of God's promise that no weapon formed against us will prosper?  When our emotions have taken a beating, doesn't it seem as if the solid foundation of our faith is always there to give us something to hold onto until we can stand strong again?  So here's the question we must each ask ourselves:  "Am I going to believe what the Word says about God's will for my life and the lives of my children or am I going to set my believing on only what I can see being manifested in my situation right now?" 
The Bible calls faith the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen.  Even our salvation is based on faith and confession.  We've never seen Jesus with our eyes, yet we believe in Him and the atonement He made for us on the cross.  Because we believe and have confessed Jesus as our savior, we are saved.  Awesome start, but let's not stop there!  Let's believe God and receive all that He has promised us in His Word.  Believing can't happen in your head when it comes to matters of faith.  You must believe in your heart! 
So starting today, pledge to give God's answers to your problems at least as much of your attention as you give to the medical community's answers to those same problems.  There are no limits to what God can do, for with Him nothing is impossible.

"And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible"   Mark 10:27

Don't Forget To Celebrate

I have to admit that I'd never thought about anyone forgetting how to smile or laugh.  Smiling and laughing seem to just happen, whether we think about it or not.  I learned an important lesson and smiling and laughing a few years back.
In 2003, Christina was just three years old.  Three years of listening to and watching her tantrum for hours on end had finally taken its toll.  I thought that I was "handling" everything quite well.  Christina had received a year of Early Intervention services and she was now transitioning into our county's preschool special education program.  She was on a strict gluten/casein free diet.  She received speech therapy 2-3 times a week and she had some of the best doctors in the state.  I worried about my older children and how having a sibling who required so much of me would affect them, so I enrolled them in SibShops at a local hospital.  (SibShops are basically support groups for the siblings of children with special needs).  Oh yeah...I had everything covered.  Then, on our very first Respitality Weekend in VA beach (provided by Cerebral Palsy of VA), something strange happened while Russell and I were eating dinner.  We were away from the children and finally enjoying each other's company again.  That's when it happened.  I LAUGHED!  It was only then that I realized that I had not had a good laugh (or probably even cracked a smile) in months!  It was a great feeling, but I was alarmed because it felt so foreign to me. 
That night I vowed to keep my head up and to keep laughing.  By nature, I am a funny person.  I love to laugh and I love to see others happy.  The challenges that having a differently-abled child has brought us almost distracted me so much that I'd begun to live my life on auto-pilot.  Not anymore!  Yes, there are still some really hard days, but I have the blessed assurance that God will always see us through.  You can have that same assurance.  Don't allow your child's challenges to define you (or your child).  Don't allow details about doctor's appointments and therapy sessions to dominate every conversation that you have with others.  Learn to take one day at a time and to find at least one thing every day to smile or laugh about.
The Bible says that a merry heart doeth good like a medicine.  That has been very true for me.  Why not give it a try yourself?

Keep Your Dreams Alive!

Wow...has it really been over a week since I've posted?  Please accept my most sincere apologies!  I've experienced some technical difficulties but I'm back in the game now! 
All morning I've been thinking about goals and dreams.  We've just begun a new year and I've vowed to reinvent myself...to push myself to achieve things that I never have before.  Creating this blog is a part of that process.  But what about having dreams and goals for our differently-abled children?  It is easy to give up on our dreams for our children when they are born with challenges that we never expected them to have.  I mean, who actually expects their child to be born with autism, cerebral palsy, an intellectual disability or any other special challenge?  We certainly didn't!  Like most people, we expected that we would give birth to a perfectly healthy baby.  When Christina was born, and as more and more of her challenges came to light, we found ourselves stumbling around looking for answers.  I've often compared that feeling to that of an undefeated heavyweight champion, in the ring with an ametuer whose talent he's grossly underestimated.  The champ lets his guard down just a little and "Wham"!  His challenger manages to get a punch in below the belt!  Knocked from his perch of unshakeable confidence, the champ stumbles around the ring, desperately trying to get his bearings again.  "Hadn't the referee seen that punch?"  It was not a fair blow.  "Why wasn't somebody blowing a whistle or something?"  "Why hadn't this contender been disqualified?"  So many questions, but no answers...at least not until emotion takes a back seat to his faith and renewed confidence.  For whatever reason, his opponent's blow had been allowed and he now had to find a way to survive this match.  So, the champ regroups and gets back in the ring.  This time, acknowledging his opponent's ability to defeat him and drawing on every ounce of faith, skill, and confidence that he has to make sure that this doesn't happen.  In the end, the champ wins the match.  Not an easy win by any stretch of the imagination, but a win that was achieved through perserverance, wisdom, and faith.
I am not saying that we may not have to make changes to the dreams and goals that we have for our children.  What I am saying is that we must not abandon our responsibility to set goals for them and to have dreams for them.  We must find a way to recover from that "below the belt" punch and regroup.  After all, how else will they learn to set their own goals and create dreams for themselves if we don't dream for them first?

" And the Lord answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon the tables, that he may run that readeth it".  Habakkuk 2:2

Paralyzing Fear

Sure, I realize that I'm posting this in the wee hours of the morning.  Here's the deal.  When I went to bed two hours ago, I had no idea what my next post would be about.  By the way, our reason for and our approach to creating this blog is to always yield ourselves to the leading of God for topics/ideas and help to create a healthy dialogue surrounding them.  And so here, although we do allow ads on our blog, we will never tailor our comments in an attempt to persuade or influence you to act on them.  It is simply a matter of choice; if you are interested in an ad, by all means click on it to research it further.  We are glad to be able to provide a place where you may find what you believe may be an effective tool, book, intervention, etc. for you, your child, or your family as you continue on your journey. If you are not interested in the ads, we hope that you will not find them annoying or overbearing in any way, and that your participation in the dialogue here will not be hampered because of them.
Anyway, back to two hours ago.  I went to sleep and had a horrible dream that disturbed me so much, I just had to get up and share it (and the resulting thoughts that I had) with you.  In the dream, Christina and I were in a very large bookstore or library.  There were two levels, and at some point, we became seperated.  I found myself frantically looking for Christina behind book-filled shelves and big, comfortable chairs all over the building.   "A game of hide and seek" I thought to myself.  Christina loves to play these kinds of games with me, often without giving me notice!  So as I continued my search for her, I lied to myself and tried to force my brain into believing that all was well.  Finally, after what felt like and hour of searching for her, I spotted Christina on the lower level of the building, happily drawing what looked like a picture of some sort.  Relieved to have found her, I called out to her to stay right where she was because it was time for us to leave.  With my heart still beating wildly in my chest, I managed to get on the escalator without falling, so that I could make my way down to Christina.  When I got to the table where I'd seen her drawing, she was gone again.  Here's where it got really strange!  From nowhere, a woman (whom I have seen before, but don't know all that well) popped up right next to me.  She grabbed my arm and began to walk hurriedly toward the exit, all the while telling me that it was okay to leave Christina there because it would "teach her a lesson" and "do her some good".  I felt almost powerless next to this woman.  Her grip was so strong, so paralyzing....I just seemed to float helplessly alongside her.  I realized, then,  that I could not speak.  I opened my mouth to protest, but no words would come.  The woman and I ended up in her vehicle and she sped away.  I felt sick knowing that Christina would soon be looking for me (if she wasn't already) and I was not there.  Then, suddenly, I knew that I had to get away from this woman and get back to my daughter.  Anybody want to venture a guess here???  Well, if you guessed that I opened the door and jumped out of a moving vehicle, you would be correct!  I woke up at that point, breathing like I'd just run (or in my case, attempted to run) a marathon or something!  It was then that the Lord began to speak.  "Fear hath torment", He simply said.  I thought about that for a few minutes.  I've heard that scripture many times over the years.  In fact, I made up a little song about fear and taught it to my two oldest children when they were young.  It went something like this: "God has not given us a spirit of fear! God as not given us a spirit of fear! God has not given us a spirit of fear; but He has given us a spirit of power, a spirit of love, and a sound mind!"  That song is based on the Word of God in II Timothy 1:7.  What a blessed assurance to know that God has given us victory over fear!  I remember living in a state of almost constant, although subtle, fear when Christina was young.  I wondered how her life would be different because of the challanges that she faced.  I was overwhelmed at different times by the enormity of the "maze" that we'd suddenly found ourselves trying to navigate without a map.  What was the best intervention for Christina?  How would we find the right doctors?  How would we be able to replace my income? (We'd agreed that I would stop working so that I could care for Christina at home).  Well, as the months and years went by, we regained our composure to some extent.  When we looked back, we realized that God had proven Himself faithful in His promise to never leave us or forsake us.  Christina had some of the best doctors in the state.  She was receiving top notch speech and occupational therapy.  We'd been led to volunteer to pick up food for a local food pantry, so we never went without food.  God even blessed me with a temporary cookie baking business which He led me to start up with $11 in rolled pennies!!!  Talk about an awesome God!!!   Acting in faith was, and has always been the key to seeing a move of God in our lives. 
So, my friends, if you find yourself paralyzed by the fear which has undoubtedly come as a result of the challenges that you or your loved one face,  remember that God will always be on your side!  It doesn't matter if it's autism, mental retardation, a seizure disorder, down syndrome, a brain injury, etc.  The "grip" of that fear can be so strong that it is almost suffocating.  Things may look bleak at times, but God has promised to see you through.  Fear hath torment, but the opposite of operating in fear is operating in faith!  God's love toward us is perfect.  Give Him a sacrifice of praise; smack dab in the middle of your pain and confusion.  It doesn't make sense and will probably feel a bit strange, but He will meet you there; I just know it.  After all,  He promised us that in His word too!

Food for thought:  Deuteronomy 31:8; I John 4:18; Romans 8:35-39

God's Strength Made Perfect

The months and years following Christina's birth were difficult for us as a family.  Christina's incessant screaming and hypersensitivity to noise, touch and movement was overwhelming.  In her first year of life, she'd also begun to exhibit several autistic behaviors.  I was sinking mentally, emetionally, and spiritually.  Have you ever felt like that?  I needed to know where God was in all that we were experiencing.  I felt so alone, so betrayed.   Recently, I found a diary entry that I'd made during this time.  I wrote: " There are no windows or doors here.  Feel like there is no escape.  I have been here before...long ago.  So much pressure...no relief anywhere.  Nobody really understands.  So heavy.  So tired.  Enough of this madness!  I want to get off of this ride, if but only for a little while.  I know that there is a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel but I only catch rare glimpses of it lately.  Is the light real, or is someone there just switching a flash light on and off to torture me?  The light gives me hope.  If it is not real, then neither are my dreams." 
 Wow!  I made that entry on 7/3/03.  Christina was a little over three years old at that time.  Looking back at this entry, I now know that the light I was always aware of...even in my deepest pain, was God.  He promised in His word to never leave or forsake us and He never has! 
Parenting a differently-abled child can be quite challenging.  Christian parenting of a differently-abled child can be even more challenging - for alot of reasons.  Giving birth to such a child has the potential to shake the very foundation of our faith.   For us, we had to get past asking ourselves the why questions: "Why was Christina born with such challenges?  Were we somehow to blame?"  "Why had God allowed her to be born that way?"  We'd continued to cling to our belief and faith in God.  We never stopped believing that He was our healer and our redeemer, but somehow we'd slipped into a place of acceptance that said "If God allowed Christina to be born this way, then it must be His will for her life".  Then, one evening, after a particularly long bedtime struggle with Christina, I found myself sitting alone in our livingroom.  A small desk lamp provided the only light in the room.  As I sat there in a chair with my head in my hands, I began to sob.  I spoke audibly to God and said "Lord, I am done.  I just can't go on.  I know that something is going on with Christina (she had not yet been diagnosed), but I feel like I'm running in circles.  Please help me!"  God met me in that place of desperation!  Amazingly, He comforted me by letting me know that although there were indeed challenges, He would be glorified in and by Christina's life.  I jumped from my seat and began to cry again.  This time, they were tears of joy...tears of hope.
Soon, the time came when we had to really commit ourselves to a study the Word of God to discover that God's will was and had always been for Christina to "..prosper and be in health".  What a paradigm shift that was! 
And so, although we were to continue on our journey, which now included medical specialists, speech and occupational therapy, sib shops (for our other two children) and now the public school system, we pressed forward with the realization that despite her current challenges, God's will was for Christina to be healthy.

Could Something Be Wrong???

Boy do I remember asking myself this question! In those first few weeks after we brought Christina home from the hospital, I repeatedly asked myself "Is it normal for her to scream so much and sleep so little?" Always, almost before I'd finished asking the question, I would think "Of course it isn't!" After all, Christina was our third child. We'd heard our fair share of crying with our first two children, but nothing could have prepared us for the seemingly endless barrage of Christina's piercing screams. As a born again christian, I knew that God was still there, even in the midst of our fear and concern, but He felt so distant in those first few months of Christina's life. Although she looked perfectly healthy, she was not. In fact, we would soon find out that she had a rare genetic disorder, sensory integration disorder, a significant expressive language delay, and PDD-NOS. Our journey into the world of parenting a "differently-abled" child had begun.