The months and years following Christina's birth were difficult for us as a family. Christina's incessant screaming and hypersensitivity to noise, touch and movement was overwhelming. In her first year of life, she'd also begun to exhibit several autistic behaviors. I was sinking mentally, emetionally, and spiritually. Have you ever felt like that? I needed to know where God was in all that we were experiencing. I felt so alone, so betrayed. Recently, I found a diary entry that I'd made during this time. I wrote: " There are no windows or doors here. Feel like there is no escape. I have been here before...long ago. So much pressure...no relief anywhere. Nobody really understands. So heavy. So tired. Enough of this madness! I want to get off of this ride, if but only for a little while. I know that there is a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel but I only catch rare glimpses of it lately. Is the light real, or is someone there just switching a flash light on and off to torture me? The light gives me hope. If it is not real, then neither are my dreams."
Wow! I made that entry on 7/3/03. Christina was a little over three years old at that time. Looking back at this entry, I now know that the light I was always aware of...even in my deepest pain, was God. He promised in His word to never leave or forsake us and He never has!
Parenting a differently-abled child can be quite challenging. Christian parenting of a differently-abled child can be even more challenging - for alot of reasons. Giving birth to such a child has the potential to shake the very foundation of our faith. For us, we had to get past asking ourselves the why questions: "Why was Christina born with such challenges? Were we somehow to blame?" "Why had God allowed her to be born that way?" We'd continued to cling to our belief and faith in God. We never stopped believing that He was our healer and our redeemer, but somehow we'd slipped into a place of acceptance that said "If God allowed Christina to be born this way, then it must be His will for her life". Then, one evening, after a particularly long bedtime struggle with Christina, I found myself sitting alone in our livingroom. A small desk lamp provided the only light in the room. As I sat there in a chair with my head in my hands, I began to sob. I spoke audibly to God and said "Lord, I am done. I just can't go on. I know that something is going on with Christina (she had not yet been diagnosed), but I feel like I'm running in circles. Please help me!" God met me in that place of desperation! Amazingly, He comforted me by letting me know that although there were indeed challenges, He would be glorified in and by Christina's life. I jumped from my seat and began to cry again. This time, they were tears of joy...tears of hope.
Soon, the time came when we had to really commit ourselves to a study the Word of God to discover that God's will was and had always been for Christina to "..prosper and be in health". What a paradigm shift that was!
And so, although we were to continue on our journey, which now included medical specialists, speech and occupational therapy, sib shops (for our other two children) and now the public school system, we pressed forward with the realization that despite her current challenges, God's will was for Christina to be healthy.
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