You may have noticed that I've been strangely silent for over a week now. Last week was a very difficult week for me, though I'm not quite sure why. My evenings were spent as they usually are - helping Christina to get through her homework, preparing dinner, and trying to get ready for the next day all at the same time! By Thursday, I felt as if I would either explode, sink or both! I realized that I'd been feeling stressed and anxious, but I couldn't explain why. Perhaps it was the renewed realization of how Christina's ADHD and learning disabilities affect her in all areas of her life, not just academics.
She is immature for her age and still needs to be reminded to do many of the tasks that she performs every day. I sound like a broken record most mornings: "Did you put on deodorant? Have you packed your book bag for school? Did you put lotion on when you got out of the shower?" Somehow, she manages to forget to do these things no matter how often I remind her. I've learned that such behavior is typical of children with challenges like hers. She is 12 years old now and has a few close acquaintances, but her interactions with them are sometimes strained and awkward. She doesn't really understand many of the social "rules" of friendship. It breaks my heart to have to tell her that she should probably stop emailing and texting one of her "friends" because they haven't responded to any of her texts or emails. The sad look in her eyes seemed to ask "Why won't she call me back? What did I do?" I tell her that we all meet people in our lifetimes who will be close to us for different lengths of time and for different reasons. I also tell her that sometimes, even when we want to be friends with a person very badly, that person may not feel the same way and may not want to be friends. Its not necessarily because of anything that we've done. Sometimes people are only meant to be close to us for a short time. That's all. I had hoped that she would somehow manage to "fit in" with her peers throughout adolescence, but the realization that both she and her "friends" are beginning to notice that she is different makes me want to cry sometimes. I feel a little sad because I want her life to be easier. She works so hard at school and still cannot retain much of the information that she's learned. She tries hard not to behave inappropriately, but often repeats concerning behaviors because she lacks insight into her own behavior. She tries so hard at everything...I just wish that I could make her life easier somehow. I don't think that anyone is teasing or bullying her, but I have noticed that some of the "friends" that she's had for years are suddenly too busy to hang out with her when I call their moms to arrange a visit lately.
I've decided to get Christina involved in some activities to occupy her time and to build her self-esteem. We sign up for track this Thursday. She's also on a nail polish kick right now, so I bought her three bottles of it during my last trip to Walgreens. She was absolutely thrilled and retreated to her bedroom to polish her nails right away. When she was done, she proudly showed me her handiwork. I asked her why she'd used all three of the colors at once. " 'Cause I like it that way, mommy" was her response. I liked that answer, so I fought back the urge to demand that she take it off. "She's going to have to learn to begin to trust her own feelings and thoughts", I thought to myself. "She may as well start with deciding how she wants her own nails to look!"
Equally overwhelming last week, were my feelings of guilt and inadequacy concerning my hubby. I was completely exhausted, in every way possible, all week long and found it difficult to muster up the mental and emotional energy to make it through each day. Still, he needed and wanted some of my attention too. Was that really too much to ask of me? I know that he didn't feel like it was, but with the way I was feeling, he may as well have been asking me for a limb or a vital organ! Unfair to him? Probably. I felt like my giving tree had dried up and wilted. My branches were bowing under what felt like the weight of the world. I needed to recharge mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I cried out to God as I have many, many times before. He was right there with a giant "hug", tailor made for me, in the form of one of my favorite hymns. I hadn't sung the song since I was a girl attending church back in NY. I hummed the tune softly at first, amazed that I still remembered it after so many years had passed. Then, the Lord reminded me that He'd promised to inhabit my praises. I decided to sing the words because I wanted (needed) God to draw near to me.
"I was sinking deep in sin, far from a peaceful shore. Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more. But the master of the sea heard my despairing cry. From the waters lifted me, now safe am I! Love lifted me! Love lifted me! When nothing else could help, love lifted me!"
As I sang, the heaviness began to break away. It was true - I had felt as if I was sinking to rise no more, but the more I sang and fellow shipped
The branches of my giving tree are reaching for the sky once again!
I know that I'll experience highs and lows along this journey. I want to run the race before me with excellence and in a way that is pleasing to God. So I asked Him to forgive me for worrying so much about the future last week. After all, its His job to order my steps, not mine!
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