Paralyzing Fear

Sure, I realize that I'm posting this in the wee hours of the morning.  Here's the deal.  When I went to bed two hours ago, I had no idea what my next post would be about.  By the way, our reason for and our approach to creating this blog is to always yield ourselves to the leading of God for topics/ideas and help to create a healthy dialogue surrounding them.  And so here, although we do allow ads on our blog, we will never tailor our comments in an attempt to persuade or influence you to act on them.  It is simply a matter of choice; if you are interested in an ad, by all means click on it to research it further.  We are glad to be able to provide a place where you may find what you believe may be an effective tool, book, intervention, etc. for you, your child, or your family as you continue on your journey. If you are not interested in the ads, we hope that you will not find them annoying or overbearing in any way, and that your participation in the dialogue here will not be hampered because of them.
Anyway, back to two hours ago.  I went to sleep and had a horrible dream that disturbed me so much, I just had to get up and share it (and the resulting thoughts that I had) with you.  In the dream, Christina and I were in a very large bookstore or library.  There were two levels, and at some point, we became seperated.  I found myself frantically looking for Christina behind book-filled shelves and big, comfortable chairs all over the building.   "A game of hide and seek" I thought to myself.  Christina loves to play these kinds of games with me, often without giving me notice!  So as I continued my search for her, I lied to myself and tried to force my brain into believing that all was well.  Finally, after what felt like and hour of searching for her, I spotted Christina on the lower level of the building, happily drawing what looked like a picture of some sort.  Relieved to have found her, I called out to her to stay right where she was because it was time for us to leave.  With my heart still beating wildly in my chest, I managed to get on the escalator without falling, so that I could make my way down to Christina.  When I got to the table where I'd seen her drawing, she was gone again.  Here's where it got really strange!  From nowhere, a woman (whom I have seen before, but don't know all that well) popped up right next to me.  She grabbed my arm and began to walk hurriedly toward the exit, all the while telling me that it was okay to leave Christina there because it would "teach her a lesson" and "do her some good".  I felt almost powerless next to this woman.  Her grip was so strong, so paralyzing....I just seemed to float helplessly alongside her.  I realized, then,  that I could not speak.  I opened my mouth to protest, but no words would come.  The woman and I ended up in her vehicle and she sped away.  I felt sick knowing that Christina would soon be looking for me (if she wasn't already) and I was not there.  Then, suddenly, I knew that I had to get away from this woman and get back to my daughter.  Anybody want to venture a guess here???  Well, if you guessed that I opened the door and jumped out of a moving vehicle, you would be correct!  I woke up at that point, breathing like I'd just run (or in my case, attempted to run) a marathon or something!  It was then that the Lord began to speak.  "Fear hath torment", He simply said.  I thought about that for a few minutes.  I've heard that scripture many times over the years.  In fact, I made up a little song about fear and taught it to my two oldest children when they were young.  It went something like this: "God has not given us a spirit of fear! God as not given us a spirit of fear! God has not given us a spirit of fear; but He has given us a spirit of power, a spirit of love, and a sound mind!"  That song is based on the Word of God in II Timothy 1:7.  What a blessed assurance to know that God has given us victory over fear!  I remember living in a state of almost constant, although subtle, fear when Christina was young.  I wondered how her life would be different because of the challanges that she faced.  I was overwhelmed at different times by the enormity of the "maze" that we'd suddenly found ourselves trying to navigate without a map.  What was the best intervention for Christina?  How would we find the right doctors?  How would we be able to replace my income? (We'd agreed that I would stop working so that I could care for Christina at home).  Well, as the months and years went by, we regained our composure to some extent.  When we looked back, we realized that God had proven Himself faithful in His promise to never leave us or forsake us.  Christina had some of the best doctors in the state.  She was receiving top notch speech and occupational therapy.  We'd been led to volunteer to pick up food for a local food pantry, so we never went without food.  God even blessed me with a temporary cookie baking business which He led me to start up with $11 in rolled pennies!!!  Talk about an awesome God!!!   Acting in faith was, and has always been the key to seeing a move of God in our lives. 
So, my friends, if you find yourself paralyzed by the fear which has undoubtedly come as a result of the challenges that you or your loved one face,  remember that God will always be on your side!  It doesn't matter if it's autism, mental retardation, a seizure disorder, down syndrome, a brain injury, etc.  The "grip" of that fear can be so strong that it is almost suffocating.  Things may look bleak at times, but God has promised to see you through.  Fear hath torment, but the opposite of operating in fear is operating in faith!  God's love toward us is perfect.  Give Him a sacrifice of praise; smack dab in the middle of your pain and confusion.  It doesn't make sense and will probably feel a bit strange, but He will meet you there; I just know it.  After all,  He promised us that in His word too!

Food for thought:  Deuteronomy 31:8; I John 4:18; Romans 8:35-39

God's Strength Made Perfect

The months and years following Christina's birth were difficult for us as a family.  Christina's incessant screaming and hypersensitivity to noise, touch and movement was overwhelming.  In her first year of life, she'd also begun to exhibit several autistic behaviors.  I was sinking mentally, emetionally, and spiritually.  Have you ever felt like that?  I needed to know where God was in all that we were experiencing.  I felt so alone, so betrayed.   Recently, I found a diary entry that I'd made during this time.  I wrote: " There are no windows or doors here.  Feel like there is no escape.  I have been here before...long ago.  So much pressure...no relief anywhere.  Nobody really understands.  So heavy.  So tired.  Enough of this madness!  I want to get off of this ride, if but only for a little while.  I know that there is a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel but I only catch rare glimpses of it lately.  Is the light real, or is someone there just switching a flash light on and off to torture me?  The light gives me hope.  If it is not real, then neither are my dreams." 
 Wow!  I made that entry on 7/3/03.  Christina was a little over three years old at that time.  Looking back at this entry, I now know that the light I was always aware of...even in my deepest pain, was God.  He promised in His word to never leave or forsake us and He never has! 
Parenting a differently-abled child can be quite challenging.  Christian parenting of a differently-abled child can be even more challenging - for alot of reasons.  Giving birth to such a child has the potential to shake the very foundation of our faith.   For us, we had to get past asking ourselves the why questions: "Why was Christina born with such challenges?  Were we somehow to blame?"  "Why had God allowed her to be born that way?"  We'd continued to cling to our belief and faith in God.  We never stopped believing that He was our healer and our redeemer, but somehow we'd slipped into a place of acceptance that said "If God allowed Christina to be born this way, then it must be His will for her life".  Then, one evening, after a particularly long bedtime struggle with Christina, I found myself sitting alone in our livingroom.  A small desk lamp provided the only light in the room.  As I sat there in a chair with my head in my hands, I began to sob.  I spoke audibly to God and said "Lord, I am done.  I just can't go on.  I know that something is going on with Christina (she had not yet been diagnosed), but I feel like I'm running in circles.  Please help me!"  God met me in that place of desperation!  Amazingly, He comforted me by letting me know that although there were indeed challenges, He would be glorified in and by Christina's life.  I jumped from my seat and began to cry again.  This time, they were tears of joy...tears of hope.
Soon, the time came when we had to really commit ourselves to a study the Word of God to discover that God's will was and had always been for Christina to "..prosper and be in health".  What a paradigm shift that was! 
And so, although we were to continue on our journey, which now included medical specialists, speech and occupational therapy, sib shops (for our other two children) and now the public school system, we pressed forward with the realization that despite her current challenges, God's will was for Christina to be healthy.

Could Something Be Wrong???

Boy do I remember asking myself this question! In those first few weeks after we brought Christina home from the hospital, I repeatedly asked myself "Is it normal for her to scream so much and sleep so little?" Always, almost before I'd finished asking the question, I would think "Of course it isn't!" After all, Christina was our third child. We'd heard our fair share of crying with our first two children, but nothing could have prepared us for the seemingly endless barrage of Christina's piercing screams. As a born again christian, I knew that God was still there, even in the midst of our fear and concern, but He felt so distant in those first few months of Christina's life. Although she looked perfectly healthy, she was not. In fact, we would soon find out that she had a rare genetic disorder, sensory integration disorder, a significant expressive language delay, and PDD-NOS. Our journey into the world of parenting a "differently-abled" child had begun.