Tonight, I'm gonna shoot straight from the hip, if that's okay with you. I'm thinking and feeling a lot of things right now and I desperately need to unload. I need a safe place to land, and if you're reading this, guess what? You're it!
I'm not really one to gripe and complain. I try to take each day as it comes, asking God to help me through it - minute by minute. He's really good at doing that, but some days just seem harder than others. Maybe those are the days that too much of me gets into the mix and my feelings get hurt. Or perhaps I just let my guard down a little too much... I don't know. All I know is that it gets really hard to "keep my guard up" and be vigilant about everything, all the time. "Does it really take all of that?", some would ask. "Do you really need to have your finger on the pulse of all those things?". My answer is "yes" and here's why.
Being the parent of a differently-abled child has opened up many doors in my life that I may otherwise never have walked through. I've learned so much since I began this journey and I am thankful to be able to share what I've learned with others. There is so much to keep up with - medical appointments, special diets, therapy visits, IEP meetings, etc. In a way, I feel as if I've become the glue that must hold all of the pieces of my child's life together. Her immediate and long-term needs and goals must be identified and addressed. All of this requires lots of thought, prayer and strategic planning. But while this goes on, so does everyday life! Work, spouses, other children. the laundry, cooking, cleaning, the dogs, grocery shopping - all of it seems to need my attention!
My daughter's disabilities are not apparent to most people upon meeting her. In fact, some people just assume that she is purposefully immature, annoying, rude, lazy or sarcastic when nothing could be further from the truth! She is an amazing girl who tries hard academically, socially and emotionally every day. She is talkative, energetic (after 11AM - not a morning person at all!), fun-loving and sweet. She is not as mature as most people would expect her to be. Her sweet, child-like innocence is ever-present, but is sometimes now overshadowed lately by hormonally-charged outbursts and superficial copy-cat behaviors she's picked up since returning to public school 2 months ago. At 12 years old, she's learned how to compensate on some levels, but the truth is that she has significant social difficulty when interacting with others - especially her same-aged peers. Most of them have no idea that she has any disability at all. Others have begun to pick up on subtle (and some not so subtle) differences in that way she relates to them. Lately, I've noticed that some have even take advantage of her gullibility and naive nature. I have to admit that I get pretty angry about that, but try and try as I might to get my daughter to speak up for herself, she just can't seem to find her voice. I know that she will though :)
Lately, I've been cycling through some pretty raw emotions. I've already told you that I get angry sometimes. Yes, I can even admit that I get a little jealous at times. Jealous of those whose plates don't seem as full as mine. Who am I to judge though, right? After all, I have no idea what anyone else really has on their plate anyway. Denial (disbelief), sadness, guilt, anger - they all come and go, sometimes almost as quickly as my daughter's moods change! It is difficult to keep up mentally and emotionally, but I am trying. Ten years ago, I thought that this road would have been a lot smoother by now. I just assumed that with time, everything would even out and be okay. The possibility that my daughter could need some level of support, even into adulthood is something that I've only recently begun to consider.
It's back to one day at a time, I guess. I'm realizing that parts of this journey may always be unfamiliar to me. I'm coming to terms with the fact that there may be many more sharp curves, sudden drops and steep inclines ahead. Looking back however, I realize that I've never really known what to do about anything on my own anyway! In fact, all I've really had to do is follow God's leading. I am comforted by the fact that God is concerned about my struggles and my sorrows. In fact, His Word says that He has "borne our griefs and carried our sorrows..." - Isaiah 53:4.
"Lord, help me to trust You. Some days are so emotionally and mentally demanding for me. On those days especially, send me reminders of Your peace. Amen."
Please keep me in your prayers!
